Hull City 2015 Predictions…..
Well what a year 2014 was! Premier League survival, #NoToHullTigers, FA Cup Final (* Cough * Runners Up…), short-lived Europa League Campaign, beating Sunderland c. 12 times and a whole lot of fun (and frustration) in between.
Plenty to talk about, but best to look forward than back; Ground Grab has therefore provided predictions of what will probably (not) happen to Hull City AFC in 2015.
Everton at home is the 2015 curtain raiser, a side that has not won in 7 games (9 if you include Europe) and whose last point came in the 1-1 draw with City on December 3rd.
City inevitably lose 3-0, despite having 40 shots on target and playing 3-1-6.
Despite City now occupying a relegation spot, and his denial the day prior, Bruce continues to be linked with a move to the North East….
Arsenal in the cup next, a game marred by mind games beforehand. Bruce is adamant he is taking the cup seriously, but Calaum Jahraldo-Martin is now match fit and in fine form following his loan at Tranmere, so why risk injuring Jelavic? Little does Bruce know that he has just provoked the worsening of German and Antiguan (and Barbudan?) relations as Podolski claims to have never heard of Jahraldo-Martin. The German ambassador to Antigua & Barbuda is summoned to government offices in Saint John’s to explain Podolski’s actions. German warships head towards the Atlantic.
But to the football, City re-instate the age-old tradition of exiting the FA Cup before Valentine’s Day. Pick a score. The blow is softened post-match as Bruce assures us it is best to concentrate on the league.
The ongoing speculation linking Bruce to the North East reaches fruition on the first Monday back at work. A £2.5m compensation package is thrashed out with City and Bruce is on his way.
“I’m a local boy at heart, and when I heard the Manager job at Corbridge Athletic had come up, it was just a matter of when. The club has great potential, and the club bar does a great pint of Guinness.”
Bruce Snr is joined swiftly by Bruce Jnr, who despite playing in central defence, demonstrates he is a cut above the rest in the Hexham District League by scoring seven goals on his debut.
So a new manager is in the offing. Not a day goes by in January without Dean Windass’ name featuring somewhere in the press. Despite the mutual bollock tickling between him and Allam in the months prior, Allam surprises us all by awarding the job to….Goole Town supremo Curtis Woodhouse.
“Curtis is fully bought into the idea of Tigers; he has two as pets. He exercises them down by the Humber near Ferriby most days. We’ll get them in front of the cameras soon. But there will be no money to spend, I am a man of word. Until the FA stop telling me how to run my business there will be no money to spend.”
Days later Woodhouse makes his first signing, spending £45m bringing in 1860 Munich goal machine Rubin Okotie. It is also noticed that Twitter trolling targeted at the club account @HullTigers reduces by almost 80% following reports of offenders observing a car crawling the curb outside of their house within minutes of the offending Tweet….
But books must be balanced….
“Don’t sell McShane, Super Paul McShane, I just don’t think you understand. Because if you sell McShane, Super Paul McShane, you’ll have a fucking riot on your hands….”
Days later, “The Ginger Baresi” is sold to Burnley. Thousands are soon on the streets of Hull setting fire to bins, smashing shop windows and shooting down police helicopters. City’s home game with Newcastle is postponed as throngs of City fans encircle the KC and set fire to tyres in the club car park. Naturally the Hull City Supporter Trust is blamed by the club hierarchy, despite police images showing a large number of protesters wearing Hall Road Rangers shirts.
City lose their first game of February away at Man City 4-0, with record signing Okotie ‘doing a Bullard’ and hobbling off injured after 17 minutes.
With results on the pitch taking a turn for the worse and City fans accepting the inevitable drop down into Champo, attention turns to what might happen in March, with the FA setting a deadline of 5th March to finally decide whether the club should be called Hull City AFC, Hull Tigers, or Melton Allam Marine Super Tigers Beer.
Allam then surprises the fans, announcing a snap poll. Organised by Zimbabwe Honest Elections Inc, the choices for season ticket holders are as follows:
– Yes to Hull Tigers with continued pocket money from Papa Allam, 120,000 mega stadium in Melton and guarantee I can still attend matches;
– No to Hull Tigers and agreement that I am a hooligan and should be banned from coming within a 5 mile radius of the club.
In an attempt to bolster support for the rename, Allam also gives votes to KC Stadium staff, the Indian state of Manipur, and the 700 pigeons residing in West Park.
It is the latter demographic that sway the decision with all pigeons voting no and 51% of voters opting not to go for a silly name. Allam responds by despatching some kid with a pellet gun from Greatfield Estate to West Park. Hull City Supporters Trust brings in the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2.
February also sees Woodhouse’s squad depleted further and a real crisis in midfield. Stephen Quinn finally confirms our fears and leaves to join the Amish. Tom Huddlestone, in a bid to improve morale, vows not to cut his hair until he makes a forward pass.
Results on the pitch pick up somewhat in March, starting with City’s 956th win against Sunderland in a row.
The middle of the month finally provides scientists from Hull University with conclusive evidence that the law of ‘Typical City’ is an actual thing. This is resultant from City losing 4-0 at Leicester (who were yet to win in 2015) followed by smashing Chelsea 3-0 at The Circle.
But to the name change. Despite evidence from the club claiming that changing the name will generate up to £80m per annum in sponsorship, 1 billion new fans and ensure the club becomes self-sufficient, the FA release a statement confirming what all bar the deluded few think, that the idea is ultimately fuckwitted and should be consigned to the ‘great idea’ dustbin alongside the 39th game, League 3 and ‘Half and Half Scarves’.
But it is too late….the next day Allam confirms that he has already started building the new 120,00 mega stadium in Melton, and that it will be ready in time for the 15 / 16 season due to him using the latest Qatari building methods.
“Planning permission? I don’t need planning permission. No council tells me how to build my mega stadium.”
Despite leading City out of the relegation zone, Woodhouse is sensationally sacked in April after it transpires he sold his tigers on eBay, and wasn’t bought into the Hull Tigers idea after all.
“They were shitting all over the place. The wife wasn’t happy at all. How could I support the Hull Tigers idea? Just meant everytime it came up the wife would bring up the stains on the carpet again”
After confident comments on Sky Sports News, Graeme Souness is instantly installed as bookies favourite for the job…..until it transpires it wasn’t Souness making the comments, it was his spitting image Yosser Hughes.
But it is none other than Colin Wanker who is appointed the new boss. Despite he 400 mile commute, CW refuses to relocate, instead running training sessions via Skype from his Cornish farm.
CW is an instant favourite given his prior roles at Sheffield United and L**ds.
April is a tricky month, with trips to Swansea, Southampton and Palace and a home tie against Liverpool. Again the Law of Typical City takes effect, with wins notched against Southampton and Liverpool, but defeat against fellow strugglers Crystal Palace. Palace fans react by pulling out of a deal with their Newcastle equivalents to purchase the domain name SackPardew.com
After a thumping defeat at home to Arsenal, City are relegated with two games to go at home to Burnley, with goals for the visitors from McShane, Marney and Boyd condemning us to The Championship.
Attention inevitably turns to off-field matters. In a constant state of denial Allam maintains that the 120,000 seater “Tiger Dome” in Melton will be packed to the rafters, despite our opponents being Rotherham and Brentford rather than Man United and Arsenal.
In an apparent U-Turn however, Allam pulls the club out of the Football League and places us in League 8 to show us exactly what life will be like now that the hooligans have succeeded in preventing the name change.
2015 / 2016 Season
A record low (or high?) 200 people turn out to watch City’s opening game at the Tiger Dome in Melton for the game against Hutton Cranswick. To be fair this is in part due to problems with the automatic ticket barriers at the ground, and Mally Welburn’s land train running out of juice before it could get outside the Hull boundary.
City win 14-0. Happy 2015!!!